Martha Beck made me cry.

I was first introduced to Martha Beck when I was scouring books from Book Sale. There was this interesting title, Finding Your Own North Star.

To say that it called out to me is an understatement.

How can it not – with a subtitle of claiming the life you were meant to live, this was totally in my zone. I was on the crossroads of leaving my corporate job and books like this one just seemed to “find” me.

My soul sang reading the book.

Later on, I found out that Martha Beck is one of the first life coaches (to her words, she did not even know that life coach was what she was called) and to Oprah at that. She has a BA, MA, and PhD from Harvard University and a mom to Adam, her son with Down Syndrome.

Then I went on a Martha rabbit hole. I listened to her Steering by Starlight and Follow your North Star audiobooks. My Audible library was full of Martha Beck.

Yesterday, I have started on a new Audible, Finding Your Way in a Wild New World. I am just on Chapter 2 and my soul vibrates so wonderfully at what I am hearing.

When Martha Beck described the MENDER in Chapter 1, I literally cried.

I have been struggling to explain to myself most of all, what I was feeling.

When I resigned from my promising corporate job, my boss asked me why. I could not answer her without sounding like what a lot of people would “brand” millennials (sorry!) –

“I am looking for my real purpose in life.”

“I just know I am not happy.”

“I don’t want to believe that this is what I am meant to do in this lifetime.”

How can these statements not sound crazy??!

Truth is, there is nothing wrong with what I was doing. Many people would want it. I loved working with the people in the office who have become my close friends, family even.

But deep inside, I know that this was not what my soul was seeking.

My husband has been supportive although I am pretty sure that he has just given up understanding my “episodes” because maybe he just succumbed to the idea that this is just how writers are – lunatics (haha! I don’t take offense because I sooo love the moon.)

Truth is, I still do not know what I want. Until Martha Beck slapped it on my face (or ears)!

This is ME through and through and I know not a lot of people would understand because it is sooo OUT THERE. But as I said, I cried hearing this because every cell in my body reverberated the words I was hearing.

• A sense of having a specific mission or purpose involving a major transformation in human experience, but being unable to articulate what this change might be. Geez, Balot. Your bio on Facebook says: I dream of making a positive impact in this world. 

• A strong sense that the mission, whatever it is, is getting closer in time. – Exponentially so when I realized how short our life is after my mom’s death and Kobe’s (yes!). You just go to work and there is a possibility that you may never come back. 

• A compulsion to master certain fields, skills, or professions, not only for career advancement, but in preparation for this half-understood personal mission. – This started, I don’t know when. Maybe when I was diagnosed with APAS. Maybe when I promised Doc Gloria that I would write a book. Maybe when I took a leap to invest in an aromatherapy certification because I was appalled by so many misinformation out there that could endanger young kids. I DON’T KNOW.

• High levels of empathy; a sense of feeling what others feel. – I cry watching sad cartoons (and the husband would totally laugh at me). I take in a lot of emotions from other people. 

• An urgent desire to lessen or prevent suffering for humans, animals, or even plants. – The Foundation that is still somewhere out there. And even if I am not totally fond of cats, I want to cry when I see one killed on the road. 

• Loneliness stemming from a sense of difference, despite generally high levels of social activity. One woman summed up this feeling perfectly when she said, “Everybody likes me, but nobody’s like me.” – Sigh. I don’t really think that somebody would understand me. I don’t even understand myself! LOL

• High creativity; passion for music, poetry, performance, or visual arts. – Yeah?

• An intense love of animals, sometimes a desire to communicate with them. – I had mice, rabbits, a monkey named Bor, dogs, cats, fishes, chickens, pigeons and lovebirds when I was growing up. And yes, maybe I have talked to them, too. 

• Difficult early life, often with a history of abuse or childhood trauma – Not so much because I had a pretty good childhood but if it is trauma in general, maybe my APAS journey?

• Intense connection to certain types of natural environment, such as the ocean, mountains, or forest. – Oceans, mountains, forest. Anything.

• Resistance to orthodox religiosity, paradoxically accompanied by a strong sense of either spiritual purpose or spiritual yearning. – Well, well, well. Here we are.

• Love of plants and gardening, to the point of feeling empty or depressed without the chance to be among green things and/or help them grow. – It is a good thing that the husband shares the love for greenery. But yes, we love our plants. 

• Very high emotional sensitivity, often leading to predilections for anxiety, addiction, or eating disorders. – Oh yes, yes, and yes!

• Sense of intense connection with certain cultures, languages, or geographic regions. – Mystified and yearning to know more about people from different cultures.

• Disability, often brain-centered (dyslexia, retardation, autism), in oneself or a loved one. – Maybe I am a little bit in the spectrum, too! I don’t know… 

• Fascination with people who have intellectual disabilities or mental illness. – I am drawn to them, yes. I remember in high school (or was that college), I kept on researching about multiple personality disorders and all these mental illnesses. The human psyche is pretty interesting. 

• Apparently gregarious personality contrasting with deep need for periods of solitude; a sense of being drained by social contact and withdrawing to “power up” again. – I “grok” well, a friend said. But I like my solitude, too. 

• Persistent or recurring physical illness, often severe, with symptoms that fluctuated inexplicably – Does my autoimmune disorder count? Recurrent migraine?

• Daydreams (or night dreams) about healing damaged people, creatures, or places. – Yes, yes, and yes!

So you see, Martha just pulled the trigger on this one. Made me even resurrect this blog with this post but I think I am on to something here and what’s more fascinating about it is that –

I am excited beyond measure. Beyond reason. That even if I don’t know the road ahead, I know I am meant to be here. And this is where He wants me to be.


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