I have learned a new word this week. Ennui. Thanks to my ever-reliable wordplay guru RC who has never stopped to amuse me with her wit.
First, let me describe what this word means according to this source:
Ennui (pronounced as ahn-wee) : a feeling of utter weariness and discontent resulting from satiety or lack of interest; boredom:
I always seem to be laden with this feeling lately. The husband always tell me that I get bored so easily, all the time. I start on a project and it just doesn’t progress because I am not persistent enough or I arrive at a general lack of interest at one point in time. Maybe all too soon. I started on calligraphy and stopped a month after. I tried to revive this blog and sketched so many plans and look where it is now. I launched an online shop and it is still hanging by the moment. Gaaahhh!
There has been something lacking in my life, truth be told. That passion. The fire that used to burn inside of me, wanting to accomplish something. Things are just not happening and it is becoming frustratingly tiring that I just held up my hands and say, “Yeah, whatever!”
My restless heart is the culprit. It goes on and on, always in circles until it breaks my sanity. Reason tells me to stay put; it wants mindful inertia, wanting me to stay on course. Because everything is okay.
On the other hand, my heart wants me to break free because just okay is not okay. It is darn waiting for an unbalanced force to throw me out of this equilibrium again.
When your mind and your heart is in disagreement, what do you do?
Following my mind is good for the long-term plans but I have to surrender to this ennui – this boredom. To be secured but bored. My mind tells me to just wait until “things” (one of them is the baby project, yes) happen. To stay still. To always stay still and be content.
Following my heart will jeopardize everything, of course, as what always happen when you are ruled by your emotions but it also gives you that tiny chance at redemption… or true happiness, perhaps? What if we risk everything now? What if it works?
Or not. That’s the most frustrating part, actually. Because we can’t foresee the future… What if I take the chance and yet, it turns out to be utterly dissatisfying or just the same – similarly disappointing. What a bummer.
Ennui, ennui. guess we are stuck with each other. for now.
